Updated: Aug 9, 2021
My former coworker knew I really liked this shirt from Francesca's that said, “Namast’ay at home with my dog” we saw at the mall and she knew I was two weeks sober. I came back to the office after my meeting with a client and saw a bag on my desk. I had a feeling I knew what it was and I was so excited to open it. It’s just little things like that: when a friend recognizes you’re trying so hard at something, and celebrates with you.
The work day was the same as usual: super busy and went by quickly. I rushed to meet up with my AA friend in the parking lot where we usually met in the city. We picked up another member,, went food shopping, and then to the meeting. The leader picked me to read the 12 steps, and I only messed up two words so I was happy about that. I didn’t share again, but listened to other people’s stories.
Everything was fine until I got into my car to head back home and I took a peek at social media. I saw my childhood friend got engaged and no one told me about it. I realized I was upset about two things. The first thing was that I found out through social media and that I wasn’t part of the celebration. I saw that at least three other people were there. First was her ex-roommate roommate. Second was the photographer. Third was our mutual friend visiting from out of state, who told me a few days prior that she was visiting, but didn’t plan anything with me, even after I reached out to her.
The second thing I was upset about, is that I’m the last of my friends to have a boyfriend (at the time), be engaged, be married, or have kids. The rage came over me and my first thought was that I wanted to drink a bottle of wine. I wanted to go to the liquor store, buy the biggest bottle of red wine, go home, get drunk, feel sorry for myself, and forget. I wanted to forget the feelings I was feeling, which was utter sadness. I realize now everyone’s timeline is different and life isn’t a race. Everyone progresses at different rates and that’s okay. I don’t allow this to bother me anymore because I’m genuinely happy with where I am in my life.
Instead of drowning in my sorrows, I called my mom at 10:30 pm. I started to cry. I never cry. Or at least I would hold it in before. But now with AA, I’m learning to deal with my feelings and let everything just come out. My mom asked me why I was calling so late, and at first, she sounded annoyed with me. But when I explained what happened and she heard me crying, she listened and understood. She asked me if I drank, and I said, I wanted too but I didn’t. She was proud me.
I’m on the second step of the 12 steps. The first step is “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable”. I admitted this the day after the work Happy Hour event where I got completely trashed. I realized I always drank excessively whenever I was upset, usually about guys. I also realized I drank almost every day, but never just one glass of wine. It would be two or three glasses or 75% of the bottle.
After being two weeks sober, I lost some weight. My brain felt sharper. I remember things better and the best thing is, I don’t feel anxious or angry. I take things one day at a time. I really try to do something good for myself every day that doesn’t involve drinking. I know I don’t have to do this all myself and I have a ton of support from my friends and family.
I’ve been told I’m more calm and relaxed. I don’t become irritated at things as easily as I did before. It’s been a good feeling taking care of myself when I’m always trying to take care of others or that I care for others more than I care for myself. It’s important to take care of yourself.
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