Weaning Off

I’ve been slowly weaning off my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine the last few weeks. My doctor said to reduce the dosage by taking 3 pills a day to 2 pills for a week, then 1, then half, then half every other day, then half every 2 days, etc. 

The first week was difficult. I had headaches everyday and was extremely tired from

the afternoon into the night. I didn’t want to be around anyone or talk. The second week I found myself getting irritable, especially at night when the pill would leave my system. The third week I am seemingly pissed at things I would not normally get pissed about while on the medicine. 

I didn’t want to be dependent upon them. I’ve been taking it for years and I felt it was time to stop and deal with triggers naturally. At the beginning, I went to counseling at the same time taking the medicine. They say it’s less likely for people to go back into depression. I haven’t wanted a drink but I am definitely feeling all the feels. 

This week we caught up with the TV show “This is Us” and while I wasn’t emotional in the past watching this show, now I was. Everything was making me cry. 

In the show, the father passed away, one of the sons is an alcoholic, and the family has an estranged uncle. All relatable to me which brought back memories I once stored away. 

When my dad passed away at 13, I went to counseling. I believe going allows me to talk about it now as an adult. Alcoholism runs in the veins of my fathers side of the family and I hadn’t seen any member since his funeral. I tried reconnecting with my aunts but that failed. My uncle has now passed. 

In the show, they found out they have an uncle and he is still alive. The uncle is an alcoholic living in a shack. The recovering alcoholic son tries to convince his uncle to get help and ends up relapsing. This is one of my greatest fears. 

What if something terrible or incredibly emotional happens in my life that I’m not able to deal with? What if I relapse? Would I also hide it from my family and spouse like the son in the show? Would people know the signs? Would I lie about it? Would I fill up an empty water bottle with vodka?

I realize weaning off the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine and being sober means I am no longer masked by anything. I am forced to feel and deal with everything, hopefully in a healthy matter. I am now understanding the person I am without medicine or alcohol. 

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